*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
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Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do