Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

This makes total sense…

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

I drew y’all a little something.

yikes

I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.

Overheard:

“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”

“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”

Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]