*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
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I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago