*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
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yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I have a black belt in leather
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑