*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
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Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
