@InsouciantMan

Wife sees me naked at least once a day every day.

How do you apologize properly for something like that?

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@eXentRic_

Excuse me waiter, I’m in a bit of a hurry, do you have something that has already been Instagrammed?

@RunOldMan

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

@ladybroseph

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

@ClichedOut

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

@AbbyHasIssues

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

@TheCiscoKidder

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

@Brampersandon_

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods*
ME: thats correct ur honor