-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Wife sees me naked at least once a day every day.
How do you apologize properly for something like that?
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Excuse me waiter, I’m in a bit of a hurry, do you have something that has already been Instagrammed?
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods*
ME: thats correct ur honor
what if the Blair Witch was just lonely