I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
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When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
my first day as a raccoon
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
when the buffet is more honest than your date