Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”