@TheBoydP

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

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@Tommytoughstuff

IMPROV PERFORMER: I need a suggestion.
PERSON (from the back) BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER!
IP: Okay, someone that’s not my wife.

@queasy_f_bby

you can tell potato chips are healthy and natural when the bag is matte instead of glossy

@ShitIHearOnDuty

Man called 911 to ask why there was a cop sitting outside his place of employment (fast food place) for so long. He told my dispatcher he was nervous he was going to get arrested because of his felony warrants.

And that’s how you go from eating lunch to arresting someone.

@SufficientCharm

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

@BoozyMusic

My new cat, John Cena, wants me to remind y’all to never let your kids name your pets.

@BadMikeyBad

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

@KKAlThani

Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of herself saying “Not looking good today” after deleting the first 50 pictures she took

@Juicedballs

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?