*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
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In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.