Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me: “William”

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?

like hello i was also brave today

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés