*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
The first one, obviously
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
