Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
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I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler