Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

emergency phone

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.