Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”