WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?

ME: I took care of it.

BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.

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I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas


“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*


St Peter reviewing my browser history before I enter Heaven: I see you’ve had a hard time cooking chicken. All of that’s behind you my child


Me: Lord, I saw one set of footprints in the sand

Jesus: That was when I carried you my child

Me: No, I mean now. Look – kind of like giant… clawprints?

Jesus: Oh shit he’s back

Me: lol w-

Jesus: [already sprinting away] SAVE YOURSELVES


Murder hornets? Well, it sounds like a welcome distraction, honestly. Let’s do it.


I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.


This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread


It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.