Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*