WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
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Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all