Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.

He replied with: “Dream on!”

That’s very nice of him, right?

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley