Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
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I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Asking the real questions!
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat