Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
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date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Anarchy
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”