Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
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I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird