Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

Don’t talk down to me

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.