Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

😂🥴

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.

Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.

The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!

WHY?