Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
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Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Air conditioning – not a fan
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.