Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
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If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan