Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.