WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
You Might Also Like
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Drive like no one is watching.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
o shit
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”