Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.