Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
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If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”