Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grocery list.

1. Don’t run into anyone you know.

2. Eggs

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.

ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear

THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?

ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.