WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
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What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
From my Mom
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
fixed it
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.