WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
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Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
how to have an accident 101
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.