WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
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You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Accurate
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries