Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

😂

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.