Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

called in thicc to work this morning

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.