Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
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One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN