Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually

Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do