Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours

Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house

Me: There was a murderer in my house?

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’

BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.

…The end.

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.