Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

There’s never enough good news

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing