Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

Pretty much. 🤣

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!

ME: My parents never loved me.

POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!

ME: That makes way more sense.

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

ugh not again

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue