Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

Green is just blue that someone peed in

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.