Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward

Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

good morning

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.