Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
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If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do