Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?

Me: Did you eat your greens?

7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream

[first day as a preschool teacher]

ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six