WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
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Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
the answer was staring at me all along
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”