WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
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Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you