WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
You Might Also Like
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.