Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

Daughter: [giving me attitude]

Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.

Daughter: Dad I’m 24.

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points