@iwearaonesie

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

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@donni

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

@TweetsByTheTony

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

@CheryeDavis

Set my phone to change K to Okay!! so I don’t look rude. Now it looks like I’m all excited about stupid shit, and I’m Okay!! with that.

@hippieswordfish

[day 38 on the ark]
NOAHS WIFE: we’re out of food
NOAH: don’t worry, i have a contingency plan
UNICORN: why are u lookin at me like that

@edgarrants

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

@TheJamesH1

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

@DanMentos

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

@lisaxy424

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY