Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.

Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.

Her: Not at all!

Me: Great!

*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.