Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you