“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
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Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.