Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

watching gymnastics

This is a true ally.

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”

“Again.”

“Dammit.”

Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”

Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.