wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
You Might Also Like
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
i feel so bad i refunded him
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”