Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume