Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
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You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.