Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.

This is a genius move

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!