Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

[at a sperm bank]

“Can I browse the clearance bin?”

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

fixed it

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.