Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.

Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…

Nope, no thank you.

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

latin students necrophiliacs

🤝
enjoying a dead tongue

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.

Like, uh… talk?

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full

Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty

Excel: The glass is the 1st of February

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.